“Have you seen how fast that beaver dam is growing?”, he said.
I stopped walking along the path by the creek to look in the direction the man had pointed out.
When I said I hadn’t noticed the dam before, he told me it had only been there for two weeks.
“Every day it’s bigger,” he said.
Water flowing downstream was starting to back up. I wondered how long it would be before it either diverted to and flooded another low lying area, or breached the dam. It couldn’t keep backing up without some sort of release.
This thought stayed with me as I continued my walk. The analogy to my grief journey was not lost on me.
People ask me how I’m doing and I paste on a smile and say, “fine.” I hold back my tears.
I’m driving and something on the radio triggers a memory. I fight back my tears as they aren’t compatible with driving safely.
I’m talking with a family member and my eyes well up. I do my best not to cry. They are dealing with their own grief and don’t need mine compounding it.
All the while, my grief is suppressed. I tell myself that tears are a sign of weakness, something I need to apologize for. They make others feel uncomfortable, so I don’t release them. Even the overflows I can’t stop are carefully controlled.
The pressure builds. The tears will not be denied. Alone in my room, I feel the dam being breached. My carefully structured composure collapses, bringing a flood of waterworks. I give in and let it run its course.
Afterwards, I realize how much better I feel. The pressure that had been building in me has been released. I discover that tears are not a sign of weakness. They are a language of their own, expressing feelings I have no words for. They are essential to my healing.
Comments
6 Responses to “Breaching the Dam”
Dear Tandy Thank you so much for sharing so openly….please give yourself permission to cry when you need to as you travel your grief journey..Brian was an amazing man and you have suffered a huge loss…..sending lots of love hugs and prayers to you….if you ever need to talk I am a good listener . Love Joy Cline 250-739-1758
Thank you Joy. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being too vulnerable, but by doing so, I also give others permission to do the same. I’ve made a note of your phone number but deleted it from this post as comments are open and I don’t want your number made public.
They say grief comes in waves. I lost my grandmother when I was a few weeks from delivering my first born. I lived in California at the time. I few home for her funeral. There are still things that make my eyes tear up. Then 7 years later, I lost my aunt that was more like a mama to me…she taught me how to cook, clean house, take care of my husband and give to others. I cook using a lot of her recipes…sometimes I cry when I’m cooking, sometimes it’s when I’m with her children…I just miss her. I’ve learned that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I used to hold back my tears, but now I let them flow freely.
Take all the time you need in your grieving journey. Yes, you are a strong woman, but it’s okay when others ask how you’re doing, to actually tell them how you’re feeling. They may be asking, so they can lend an ear or shoulder! Always hugs and beans for you from me!
Thank you for your comments, Lynette. I’ve learned in the past year that sometimes the waves are small and other times they knock me off my feet. In myself, I’m not strong so am eternally gratefully to lean on the strength of the Lord. Many of my support system have drifted away but there is always someone there when I reach out. God is taking good care of me. Hugs back to you.
Tandy,
As one who has grieved the loss of a child (many would call the worst kind of loss), I understand what you’re going through. I promise that you won’t always feel this fragile and desperately sad. Little by little you will “recover”. The best thing I did was go to a grief recovery group. I found others who had the same loss and believe me, there were lots of tears, but no judgement. We shared our true fears and feelings. We learned a lot in six weeks of weekly meetings that has stayed with me for years. I encourage you to seek this out for yourself. In the meantime, you’re on my prayer list and please know that God has not abandoned you.
Hugs for you…Judy
Thank you, Judy. I know without a doubt that God is very much with me. He led me to start a widow’s group in my area. Being able to encourage and support others in their grief, sharing our emotions and moving on together has been instrumental in my healing. I wrote this on a low day and shared it with some recent widows to illustrate they are not alone in their feelings. I appreciate your comments and the hugs.